Dear International Community,
Hi! I’m an American! I’m writing this because I have a small request to make. I’d appreciate it if you’d stop insulting my country to my face. It’s rude and uncalled-for. I know, you assume I’m just an ignorant bully who doesn’t know anything about history or culture. But guess what? I’m not as dumb as you might think. For instance, I have enough manners not to criticize YOUR country in front of you.
I understand why you enjoy talking trash about the United States. We are a pretty easy target. What I don’t understand is why you think it’s okay to tell me how stupid and horrible you think my country is. Do you think that, by giving me your opinion, I will somehow be able to remedy the situation? Do you think I don’t know about America’s problems, both the ones it possesses and the ones it has created? Believe me, I’m well aware of the problems. They worry and sadden me. But insulting my country to my face isn’t going to improve the situation. It’s just going to piss me off.
How do you think it feels to have the whole world hate you and blame you for its problems? Let me tell you, it sucks. It sucks that there are people out there who hate my country so much that they are willing to sneak onto a plane with explosives strapped to their tender bits in an attempt to blow up as much of my country as they can. It sucks that our Congress is so caught up in partisan politics that they can’t set aside their differences and do the right thing for the American people. And it sucks that I get mocked and insulted for being an American every time I travel to a foreign country.
As a visitor to your country, I don’t go prancing around, pointing out your country’s faults. I know that you expect me to be an obnoxious, uncultured loudmouth. For that reason, I go out of my way to be polite, civilized, and well-behaved. I came here to see your country, learn about your culture, and enjoy myself. I don’t need you getting in my face and telling me how crappy America is. So don’t do it.
Dear American lady,
Please forgive us if we have offended you. We (The International Community) have merely been reflecting the attitude given to us by people of your country for so many years. As you American say, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And as we etiquette-less say over here: Where there’s a lot of smoke, there’s gotta be a big fire. We are truly sorry that you had to inhale a little bit of that smoke. But the fact remains that the big fire has been created by your countrymen over a long period of time and as much as we would like to put it out and clear the air, we haven’t been able to do so.
That being said, we are issuing an urgent memorandum to all and every single member of our community to behave themselves when in presence of Americans. We shall also punish those who insult your country by forcing them to immigrate to America and become Americans.
We expect this problem to be solved in 120 years. As it took almost that long for it to be created. In the mean time, may we suggest that you limit your travels within your own country as we are sure there are many places you have yet to see in America. Should you choose to travel abroad and visit our humble community, please make sure to wear your insult-proof vest and helmet, it would also be advisable that you study other cultures in advance and memorize a few insults of your own, just in case.
We would like to leave you with a parting thought. this, of course, is not addressed to you but to your country: “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Sincerely,
The International Community
Comment by Mike Robertson — March 3, 2010 @ 12:21 pm
Mike, Thanks for your comment. I’m unclear on exactly what smoke you’re referring to. Or what fire. I’ve never lit any kind of fire in a foreign country, as far as I can recall.
What you seem to be saying is, there have been plenty of Americans who have behaved poorly in the past, and who are behaving poorly now, and so I should expect to take responsibility for their actions, and just expect to be treated poorly, and accept it when it happens. I completely disagree with this.
Just because other Americans can be jerks doesn’t mean I’m a jerk, and I don’t deserve to be treated as such. I’m sure there are plenty of folks in your home country that are jerks, too. That doesn’t mean you’re a jerk. This is simple prejudice against Americans.
Again, I’m not sure what “fire” you’re referring to, but if there is some sort of injustice going on, I’m sure I’d like to see an end to it as much as you would. However, I’m limited in my ability to alter the course of human events. I’m not completely powerless, however. For instance, when I visit foreign countries, I can behave in a polite, considerate manner and not insult other peoples’ countries. Doing so would only fan the flames of any fire that might be burning, don’t you think? It’s a small thing, but it’s something that we both, as individuals, can do.
Comment by kat — March 5, 2010 @ 12:57 pm
Being German and having been on the receiving end of numerous lame jokes or outward hostility all over the world, I certainly know how you feel… Yes, my country started a number of wars and lost (like 9 out of 10 coutries who are dumb enough to start wars). But guess what, that was way before I was born (1967), even my mom was only 2 years old the last time Germany started a war, and my grandfather was a newly-wed hairdresser who had just saved enough money to open up his very own salon a month before he got drafted into the Wehrmacht. He then was sent to some place in Italy and butchered whatever for – along with his comrades who were probably just as scared and bewildered about the situation bestowed upon them than he was.
Whenever I encounter one of those idiots who think it’s hilarious to greet me with Sieg Heil, I pity them and their poor education and try to ignore them. Don’t let those fools ruin your day! You know you live in a country that has many flaws and still is one of the greatest countries in the world. People WANT to love the USA, they have done so for so long and they will do so again. The damage to your international reputation was skillfully done over the past 10 years. It won’t be repaired overnight, but people still want to believe in your country.
As for the fools who see fit to insult you: step around them, just like you would step around dog turds.
Comment by stoked — March 10, 2010 @ 6:29 am
My comment was meant to be a joke. I thought it would be funny if you got an official response from The International Community on your rant. But I guess my comedy writing skills are not as good as I think they are, seeing you missed my point completely. Anyhow I’m an American, I live in New York, I’m half Italian and I have traveled most of Europe so I can relate to what you’re saying, and to tell you the truth, I’ve never thought about it before, I’d accepted it like many other things that are wrong and we just have to deal with them. But not all people are like that, I can tell you for a fact that in south of Italy, they LOVE Americans, because they’re main form of income is from tourism and apparently America sends the most number of tourists there than any other country. On the other side, if you went to Iraq or Afghanistan, I’m sure you’d face a lot of hostility and cruelty for obvious reasons.
Comment by Mike Robertson — March 12, 2010 @ 6:00 am